I wonder

She is the only person that makes me feel this way.

 No one else in my life makes me angry.  I seriously just don't feel it.  I can get irritated and annoyed.  But not angry.

  Anger isn't something that I feel often. It's not in my blood.  It's not an emotion I know well.

  I only know it when it comes to my Mom.  She's the only person who makes me feel it.  She's the only person who brings it out in me.

   She called me useless last night, and it made me feel crazy.  I felt like I could have screamed at the top of my lungs and broken every window in the house.

  I felt like taking the good china out of the cabinets and throwing it on the floor.

  I felt like...pushing her out of my room.  I just felt all this rage and anger.  My fists were clenching, my jaw was clenching.  My pupils were dilated.

   And she's the only person I get like that with.  She's the only person who makes me feel that out of it.  That insane. 
 
 Kind of the way I use to feel when I was being medicated.
 
   No one else in my life makes me feel like that.


   But then again, no one else in my life tells me that I'm useless.

 I stole this from  taintedricochet



o1. My first and middle name is Jasmine Danielle.  I love how they sound together.
o2. I'm turning 20 in two months, and I'm not scared of leaving the teen years behind.
o3. I couldn't imagine my life without all the love I receive from my friends and family and girlfriend
o4. I use to worry that I would never be truly happy, because things were so bad at one point
o5. I starved myself for four years.
o6. I went to therapy for five years, for eating disorder and depression treatment.
o7. Admitting to myself that I was a lesbian was the hardest and best experience of my life.
 o8. Coming out of the closet to everyone was the second best experience.
o9. Pulling my head out of the toilet and gaining weight was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
1o. In middle school all I wanted was to be popular.
11. Then in high school, all I wanted was for people to leave me alone.
12. One of my biggest fears use to be that I'd grow up and be like my Mom.
13. I want to be somewhat like my Dad when I grow up. He's the coolest person I know.
14. I don't like religion.  I think it blinds people. The only thing I believe in is LOVE.
15 None of the males I have ever dated meant anything to me..
16. Except one.  The last one.  And he's the only male I ever really had feelings for.
17. I tried to kill myself when I was 13 years old.  Things were just that bad.
18. My Mom's side of the family is very judgemental.  It drives me up the walls.
19. I use to wish that I could be someone else.
2o. I think I may have been slightly racist between the ages of 4-6.
21. I feel safer staying away from broken people.
22. Not being able to get married everywhere in this Country makes want to cry.
23. I've been in love twice.  And this second time is amazing, and joyful.
24. It means everything to me right now.
25. I still go back and forth on deciding whether or not I want to carry a child one day.
26. If I started gaining a bunch of weight, I  might possibly start hating myself again.
27. I absolutely love being short and small, even when people put it down.
28. I'm really afraid of global warming
29. I wish that I would look good with short hair. Or in hats.  But I look horrible in both situations.
30. I'm still trying to forgive my oldest brother for something that happened when I was 4 years old.

 

 

  Today is six months   <3

    I find that absolutely crazy.  I find it absolutely amazing.

      I remember when it was the beginning.  I remember at 1:00 a.m. in the morning, six months ago from this day, when she asked me to be hers.

 I remember how it all started out.  I remember the first 4 months of our relationship, and how most of it was spent in her dorm room.

  How we would always drink gatorade after making love, because it was the only thing around.  How I would always wear her boxers, even though I had my own.

  
   And I remember how we started spending more and more time outside when the weather finally started getting warmer.


  I always knew I would find this.  I knew it would come someday.
     I even started feeling her coming about three weeks before I met her.

 And now it's happened, it's here, and I'm with her.
  
  It still blows my mind a little.  It still seems somewhat unreal.  That I've found this.  That I've found her.


 I can't believe it's already been six months. The time has gone by so quickly.

 But it's been amazing.  It's been a fantastic six months. 
 
  It's like I'm breathing for the first time.  Loving for the first time.

  I'm really lucky to have this, and her.  I love you, honey  <3

 

Last night at my brothers house, my sister-in-law poured Red Bull into a glass.
   And then she poured strawberry vodka into a shot class, and dropped it into the glass of red bull.

It was better than most alcoholic beverages I've tasted.  It was actually really good.
 I drank two, and some beer.
 
  My vision started getting distorted.  My sense of reality became distorted.  Things looked funny, and they were shiny, and the tv was moving in crazy directions.  I saw things like, from a distance.

 I felt really chilled out and relaxed and happy.



 Sometimes I think that I crave pot and alcohol too much.  Even though I don't do them too much.

  But then again, what is too much?  How do you know when you do something too often?  When does it start becoming unhealthy and dangerous?

 I don't do these things enough to be considered unhealthy. I don't want to be like some people in my life who do use them in an unhealthy manner.

 But I don't know.  I mean, when do you know when you're crossing the line?



  I want it to be six months later.  I want to live in an apartment with her.  I don't like being separted from her so much.
  It feels like I should always be with her.

I arrived yesterday, and we were both a little out of it at first.  But it didn't matter.

  We made love for over an hour, and then we fell asleep under the covers.

     I let her dress me with clothes and hugs and kisses, and then we practically flew out of the house before her parents came home from work.


   We grabbed chinese, and we sat across from each other, and we were the only two people that existed in this world.

 We shopped and shopped and shopped for clothes and purses and shoes and makeup.

   Being with her always feels so amazing.


    We went to the mall and saw Hairspray for the II time. It was amazing the first time, and it was amazing this time.  Movies are always amazing with her.

   She drove me back to my car.  And I was sleepy, and I knew I had to leave, but I didn't want to.  We stayed, and sat in her car in the dark parking lot talking and talking.  Then holding and kissing.  Finally, I pryed myself away.

 I am hers.